Thanks for EVERYTHING =)

A song to play while reading, gets you in the mood, one of my favourites:

	Ng Hoong Ern & Simon Yau - Beautiful Saviour .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

*
before i start, i have to confess, that i read his blog. I was shocked and surprised, but not because i was scared, but because he actually felt what i felt too. And i don't know whether to laugh or to cry while reading it. Really. Thanks anyway.

Let's just name him G, for the sake of I-don't-wanna-name-him. I'm sure he will be reading this soon, though.

*blushing*

I really don't know where to start. But i guess i have never expected him to have such complicated emotions. That pendant he gave me? It's still on my neck, but i wonder if he actually noticed another thing. I am wearing a purple apple on my neck too. I really love the cross necklace he gave me though, he said it looked nice on me and it wasn't meant for macho guys. Was laughing hard on the inside because he looked cute in it too.

"I love jesus."

Those were the words that reminded me of my promise again.

Actually, I'd say that i made a small promise to not get involved in a relationship until I'm ready with God. Some people say it's really silly, but i think that if it's God's plan, then why not? Relationships are sacred and not meant to simply jump into, right?

Anyway, the fact is that i met him during last year's conference, in the piano room of the foyer. I guess that's where it all started. I call it the secret room. At least it was a secret until he bumped into me after he found out i frequented the room. I have to admit that when i met him, we weren't the closest friends on earth. But as time passes by, i can start telling things i don't even usually tell to my best friends, and i consider him really special, but nothing more.

I still remember that i owe to teach him a song called "Beautiful Saviour". He always supports me on the piano. I  think i have really low self esteem whenever on the piano, it just seem that somebody is always better, but whenever he's around, i can play properly. Usually if i perform with people around, my music is a mess. Really like to thank him for the encouragement, and he wasn't so bad at all on the piano either. 

I'm in confusion just like him right now. During the recent conference, i was rather close to him because i had great respect for his passion for God's will. I can see that he's genuinely passionate and really, hope that by being close i can observe and follow the things he does.

I never believed in girl-guy lovey dovey stuff, i usually deny that anything good can happen out of it. He is a nice guy, and i really respect G as my friend. I guess you can say it's a crush, but crushes don't last long, hmm? Of all the guys i met, he's different because i actually respected him for his real attitude. He thought me to stay true whenever I'm around him. The most authentic me when he's around.

Conference is always nice when he's around. Or rather beside me. At first i did not have a choice to move next to him because we were pushed to the front, but i slowly began to enjoy time beside him. 

And i told myself:  I'm in a conference for Jesus, what am i really doing now? I can't loose focus, i have never loosed my focus so bad. 

Trying to focus during session was hard for the first two days was really hard. Secretly, at the third day after my de-brief, i was looking all over for him in both church blocks to see if he went to play the piano. I don't think it was a secret at all, like, people were literally seeing me running about both buildings, and even I thought it was funny. He just wasn't there. The weird thing was, i got worried. I got worried for him. I wonder...why? If i had the answer to this question, i guess I'll deny it anyway, just like he would have.

When i was at church service on Sunday, i wanted to look for him the very first minute. I don't know why. I had the feeling that he'll be in the front row. I knew he would be. At least if i WANTED to be focused for God, i should give my best to God to hear his word, right? So, i decided that I'll sit with Chow Xin. I'm guessing she'll be in the front row. 

"I'm just going to ignore it. I'll sit in front, and ignore."

Lo and behold. When i found Chow Xin, she was way behind, and i really didn't like sitting at the back because the feel of God's presence to me is stronger to the front. IT's not a theory, i just mean it's more easier to participate altar calls and stuffs in front. And then G passed by. Why of all the times??!!

Okay, I'm a professional. I can put all these emotions aside. I managed to do it last time and i will do it today. 

"Can i sit with you in the front?" i sheepishly asked.

At first he hesitated, i thought i was safe, then worse comes to worse I'll sit at the back. But he said yes. I don't know, but it seem sweet when Luke thought we both don't know each other and G jokingly shake my hand while introducing himself again. Funny guy.

I'll skip some parts. But when Irene was mistaken that he's my boyfriend, i quickly denied. It's just weird-ish when i had to say something that I'm not confident in. Hmm..i guess it's the truth anyway, because I'm not in a relationship and he's just one of my closest friends. Yes, that better be it.

And i'm sitting on a chair right now at 12.57am in the morning crapping...

Don't ask me. I don't know, G said he got his prophesy, and it made me wonder what it was. I hope the best for him. I never knew that he could have been troubled by me...i thought it was his career-choosing-problem. But owh well. I guess it doesn't have to involve me anyway, im just another passerby.

And then Pastor Lydia actually assured the youths that not everyone is destined to serve single all of your life. Great. What a way to end my confusion...

*P.s

the deal is, if we both become doctors-cum-missionaries, he'll have to take me along to serve the community. 

*P.p.s

i'll never forget how G always gently asks me how was i feeling EVERYTIME my cough acts up. Really embarassing because i decided to skip my supplements for a few days. I guess i'll start eating them for his sake. BUT, im still not going to a doctor. It's just a stupid cough. XD

*P.p.p.s

Staying single is a decision so that I will put God first, and it still is. I just hope that If i had to start anything, i will be ready, and i still wonder if i am now.