Heart of a woman {Part 1}
7,Apr: 10.09pm
Call me emotional unequipped. Call me unreasonable, for having such a request just to spend just a little bit more time with you. For wanting a little bit more of affection from you. After you've given so much, especially when your schedules are full till next month.
It does makes me guilty that after "a little more time" is given, i continue to crave for more unashamedly. I'm guessing its just loneliness eating me from the inside. Or the internal turmoil that i cannot settle on my own.
And how am i suppose to explain to you what I don't even understand of myself, what is really going on inside me?
I can't find the right words to even describe it. It gets as painful just thinking of it.
I suddenly realise (actually i realised long ago, but it took me sometime to accept the fact) that I dont fit into anywhere despite trying so hard to make things work. Mind you, Im not socially handicapped! I can make a whole new troupe of allies (like Hunger Games) within a short span of time-- but trustworthy people are hard to come by.
I just dont want to be branded desperate by accepting invitations from ANY clique and charging my way through it. No one should do this to themselves, its awful. I'd rather cry my loneliness in bed, drench my pillows with problems, than hopping into an alien circle --- do an alien dance, hopefully to be accepted into the alien clan--- only to find the same lonely feeling to ensue.
And then, cry myself to bed again. (But the fact is I am desperate for company. Period.)
picture sums up the best. Please understand...
"Its funny, that i spend more time on the internet bumming,
than spending time with you."
Call me emotional unequipped. Call me unreasonable, for having such a request just to spend just a little bit more time with you. For wanting a little bit more of affection from you. After you've given so much, especially when your schedules are full till next month.
It does makes me guilty that after "a little more time" is given, i continue to crave for more unashamedly. I'm guessing its just loneliness eating me from the inside. Or the internal turmoil that i cannot settle on my own.
And how am i suppose to explain to you what I don't even understand of myself, what is really going on inside me?
I can't find the right words to even describe it. It gets as painful just thinking of it.
"Everything is fine," that is what i kept saying to you.
( The most brilliant excuse! Because in my heart i just couldn't settle --- i still and will not be able to accurately pin point my feelings --- or rather, i'm terrified to expose my innermost insecurities, it feels like being stripped naked, and i have nothing left to hide in.)
I suddenly realise (actually i realised long ago, but it took me sometime to accept the fact) that I dont fit into anywhere despite trying so hard to make things work. Mind you, Im not socially handicapped! I can make a whole new troupe of allies (like Hunger Games) within a short span of time-- but trustworthy people are hard to come by.
I just get tired of trying so hard to find one, I'd come running back into his arms instead.
I just dont want to be branded desperate by accepting invitations from ANY clique and charging my way through it. No one should do this to themselves, its awful. I'd rather cry my loneliness in bed, drench my pillows with problems, than hopping into an alien circle --- do an alien dance, hopefully to be accepted into the alien clan--- only to find the same lonely feeling to ensue.
And then, cry myself to bed again. (But the fact is I am desperate for company. Period.)
picture sums up the best. Please understand...
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